Wednesday, December 31, 2008

I wonder sometimes about the outcome

74% raised: a few hours left!

The past few days have been surreal. I can't believe that this day is finally here. I have been preparing and waiting for so long that it doesn't feel like this could be possible. I think it is kinda funny that I am leaving on New Years Day, starting a new year with a new mission, a new outlook. This past year has been crazy, and in the spirit of my friends.. I too will cover the highlights of my year.

Spain (round one): In case you haven't figured it out by now, I really have felt drawn to the ministry of En Vivo and the people in Spain, but some of you may not know why. Spain changed my life in two major ways. 1- I started friendships there that I feel like God is not done working through and I need to continue them with more than just an email or facebook message. I need to be there. I need to show them how He has changed and blessed me. 2- Most of the people I went to Spain with have become an irreplacable part of my life. They are some of my best friends and I know that I would do anything for them, and that they would (and have) done anything for me. Halley, Brittany, Dan and Jared - you are an incredible blessing to me on an almost daily basis. Thank you for everything that are.

Third Format: I know that I just wrote about this not too long ago, so I won't go crazy, but 3F has been such an amazing thing for me this year. I can't imagine why I waited so long to be involved. Probably just being stubborn. I love being involved with 3F, I love it.

Small Group: Girls, I know I wrote about you not too long ago, but you have all proved the last couple of weeks that you deserve it all again. You have been awesome at putting up with my crazy and coming out every night to say goodbye. I will miss you all so deeply. Amy, Ashley, Ali, Brittany, Bethany, Holly, Halley, Karin, Michelle, Meagan, and Tara- I just love you girls. There are not enough words.

Family: oh my gosh... I love my little sister SOO much! She is beautiful and amazing :) She is not only a highlight of this year, but a highlight of every year. K-wo, you are quite simply one of the best parts of my life. My parents are just incredible. Even when we fight and I make them crazy I'm sure... they still love me and support me. They are just too good to me sometimes.

As my finale for 2008, I am leaving my one resolution for 2009: to be more open and sharing with my heart.

The Way I See It #141 "I used to feel so alone in the city. All those gazillions of people and then me, on the outside. Because how do you meet a new person? I was very stumped by this for many years. And then I realized, you just say 'hi.' They may ignore you. Or you may marry them. And that possibility is worth that one word." - Augusten Burroughs

Monday, December 29, 2008

I'm the girl with the best intentions

72% raised/pledged: TWO DAYS!

Its amazing how fast these last couple of weeks have flown by. My bags are almost completely packed, and I am trying to make the rounds to say goodbye to everyone. If I don't make it to see you its not because you are not loved, I just purely ran out of time. I have been amazingly blessed by each and every person in my life and I cannot thank you enough for what all of you mean to me.

Last night at 3F was incredibly hard. I am just overwhelemed with the community and the friendships and love that I have there. I know that it will still be there when I get back, but it will be one of the biggest things that I will miss.

The next few days are going to be extremely emotional and crazy, so please forgive me in advance. :)

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

my heart is laying open

61.5% raised/pledged: EIGHT DAYS!

Well... just a few more short days until I leave for Spain! At Romi's suggestion (thanks!) I am going to leave my contact info, some info about En Vivo and ways to sponsor me, if you so choose.

While I am in Spain, the easiest ways to get a hold of me will probably be email at, facebook or skype (once I remember to go download it onto my laptop). My US cell will be shut off starting on Jan 2nd, but that will be the same number I will have when I get home- so don't delete me! If you want to send me letters, the address for En Vivo is
Calle Placentinos 3, bajo
Salamanca Spain 37008

En Vivo is the ministry that I will be working at. You can see their websites at or (in spanish!). Jesse and Sophie Bentley run the campus house there with the help of a full time staff and the interns and exchange students. They do several events and activities every week to bring in college students and build relationships. I'm sure I will be posting a lot about these as they occur and I get more involved.

As far as sponsoring me, I will be counting on my family to deposit any funds that are given while I am out of the country. If you have pledged to sponsor me on a monthly basis, would like to, or would like to give a one time gift, you can send a check in my name to my home address and my family will do a bank deposit for me to access. If you need to give a tax deductible gift, please email me for details.

Now that my plane tickets are all paid for, and tuition is paid- the majority of my budget left to raise is my monthly expenses. Housing, food, transportation, personal expenses, ministry activities, just to name a few. Fortunately for me, I don't need to have the full amount for these raised the day I leave (can you imagine how much more I would be stressing!) I just need some faithful supporters. I will not be able to work (for pay) while I am in Spain, so it is even more important to have people who are committed to praying for and supporting me.

Thank you again to all of you who have supported me so far. This would truly be impossible without you and without our awesome God. I am actually amazed at how calm I am at this point. I am kinda waiting for the freak out to happen....

PS- My one extravagant thing I did for myself this Christmas, was actually also helpful! I bought a pair of TOMS to take to Spain with me.. this is a great organization if you have never heard of them, check it out! In the words of Tara "It's like 2 for 1, but you only get to keep 1!"

Friday, December 19, 2008

I don't see what anyone can see in anyone else but you

58% raised/pledged : TWELVE DAYS!!!!

Tonight was very simply - AMAZING.

Thank you to all of those who came and gave, even through the cold. I'm sure you could have been doing so many other things tonight and you will never know what it meant to me. Thanks to Cory and Eileen for the use of their yard!

Thank you to those of you who could not come, but sent me prayers and thoughts and happiness today. They were felt!

Thank you to Kristen, Halley, Ashley, Brittany, Bethany, Michelle and Holly for helping out with snacks, beverages, decorations and generally keeping me from going crazy.

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU to Dan, Tara and Richard. Thank you for your time and for sharing your gifts. Most of you will never know how much of a blessing these 3 were to me for the past couple weeks. They gave unselfishly and I am lucky to have them as friends. (and thanks for putting up with my crying at totally inappropriate times)

Most importantly - Thank you God. Thank you for these amazing friends, for the opportunity to do this fundraiser and for moving in people. Thank you for the opportunity I even have to go on this trip and for providing a way for me to get there. I know you have a plan for where the rest of the money is going to come from. I trust you to get it to me when it is time!

These last few days at home are crazy and busy, but I would really like to have time to say goodbye to everyone. Please let me know when you are available!

Sunday, December 14, 2008

a girl could lost tonight

52% raised: 17 DAYS

I have no words to express the love and blessings I feel today. Our God is so big and so amazing.

Spain Benefit Concert this Friday Dec 19th 7:30pm to 10pm
Featuring myself, Dan, Richard and Tara.
Donations at the door- $5 minimum please
We will be outside, so dress warmly & bring a blanket to sit on
contact me for address and directions or with any questions!

Monday, December 8, 2008

rid me of myself

44% raised/pledged: 23 DAYS LEFT!!!!

Last night was an interesting emotional experience for me. It was possibly my last time singing at 3F until I get back from Spain. I am going to miss 3F and the band guys so much. This weekend I led the song "Lead me to the Cross" and it really got to me. Saturday night at Mesa is always harder for me (just an energy level thing) and I had been sick this week. My prayer that night was just to get through it, and having it be a blessing to God. Sunday at Gilbert is always a different experience. Before service I was really worried about my voice giving out on me, I didn't sing a lot during practice and I was drinking a ton of tea and water. Right before the song was to start, I prayed this simple prayer "God- let this just be about you and me. I don't care if everything goes completely wrong, nothing else matters" I don't know how to explain it, words are never enough, but the words to the song meant more. They were straight from my heart to God's ears. He gave me a peace in my soul and wrapped me in His love. When I opened my eyes at the end of the song, I was actually a little disoriented with where I was.

This is all going to be ok. I have hope in Him and I am not giving up yet. Spain is going to happen if that is what He wants, and if it's not then He will find a way to heal my broken heart.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

If you never try, you'll never know

43% raised/pledged: 29 DAYS!

"No matter how prosaic, practical, and ploddingly unimaginative we may be, we have dreams like everybody else. All of us do. In them even the most down-to-earth and pedestrian of us leave earth behind and go flying, not walking, through the air like pelicans. Even the most respectable go strolling along crowded pavements naked as truth…

… The tears of dreams can be real enough to wet the pillow and the passions of them fierce enough to make the flesh burn. There are times we dream our way to a truth or an insight so overwhelming that it startles us awake and haunts us for years to come."
--Frederick Buechner excerpt from "Whistling in the Dark"

I have this problem... I think I dream too much. The problem is not really in the quantity of my dreams, its in the quality. I have a lot of extremely vivid and passionate dreams for my life and my future. I worry that it is dangerous for my heart to be attached to things that are not really there. There has to be a line between real and attainable goals for my education, career and future and the little girl dreams of my future husband, family and the hopes I have for us. Where is that line? When have I let it go too far?

On a slightly unrelated note, I have had a hard time being willing to share my heart. Pain, heartbreak and broken trust in my past have brought me to this point. To the point at which I am so afraid to be vulnerable, because of the possibility of hurt. I am so afraid to expose my heart to that danger. Afraid to tell people how I really feel about them. I need to be better about this. I don't want to miss the opportunity. I don't want anyone to ever doubt my love for them. If I stop to think about it, my heart has already been given away- I just need to accept it. Each of my friends has a little piece, another has a pretty big chunk and God has the rest. The possibility for hurt is already there. Please don't break me again.

Richard shared this with me yesterday, and I just loved it, so I thought I would share too:
"There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up sage in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket--safe, dark, motionless, airless-- it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.

I believe that the most lawless and inordinate loves are less contrary to god's will than a self-invited and self-protective lovelessness... We shall draw nearer to God, not by trying to avoid the sufferings inherent in all loves, but by accepting them and offering them to Him; throwing away all defensive armour. If our hearts need to be broken, and if He chooses this as a way in which they should break, so be it."
-- C.S. Lewis

Monday, December 1, 2008

tell me your secrets, ask me your questions

43% raised: 30 DAYS!
I do not have email addresses for some people, and I am trying to switch all of my Spain correspondence to email... so sorry for those of you who get this info twice :)

Thank you to those of you who have already supported me (both financially and in prayer). You all mean so much to me and your encouragement has been my rock the past few months.

Important Dates:
December 6th- garage sale at my house (if you have any stuff you would like to be rid of, please get it to me by thurs)
December 10th?- proposed date for another fundraiser I am really excited about. more info to come.
December 20th- tuition due
December 31st- Depart for Spain (via Altanta for orientation)

Please let me know if you would be able to sponsor me on a monthly basis while I am gone, or if you would like more information on giving a tax deductible gift. I am also available to do odd jobs if you have anything you need done! If you are able to support me while I am gone (or continue to support me) please let me know before December 20th.
I have a hard time understanding how people can be so hurtful to others, especially when they are doing it on purpose. I hate playing these stupid little dramatic mind games. I am forced to make a decision that either way is going to hurt ME. If only I had not trusted this person, there would not even be a problem right now. As it stands I am living in fear that at any moment, they could betray my trust and crush me.

You know what? No. I WILL be stronger than this. I will not be paralyzed by fear, or cause myself pain to protect her. I trust my real friends to protect my heart and I trust God to take care of the situation. He knows what is right for me. If it is supposed to happen for me, He will use the situation (no matter how bad) to make it happen. I WILL trust in Him.