Friday, August 29, 2008

Say what you're thinking right now

11.7% raised for Spain: 127 days until departure!

I live my life with an almost constant need for approval from others and a fear of rejection. No one ever believes that I am shy, but I am! I constantly worry about what other people think of me. I would rather remain quiet and not show people the real me, than open up and have them not like who I am. I am afraid though that I am going to miss out on some pretty awesome things and people because of this fear.  I feel like I have a lot of plans for my future with school and my eventual career, but my relationships suffer. I want to be brave enough to tell people how I feel. I want to have the courage to open up, I just don't want to be hurt again. 

On a completely unrelated note: I love these amazing storms that God is providing!  

Monday, August 25, 2008

You sang me Spanish lullabies

9.2% raised for Spain: 131 days til I leave!

Well. Today was the first day of school. Maybe the best first day I have ever had... mostly because all I had today was online classes (psych and music business). Post a discussion introducing yourself and read the syllabus. woo.

Tomorrow if my first day of Spanish classes and I am so excited. Not too thrilled about 7:30am start time, but I really love learning languages. I also start my new job tomorrow, working for a family friend. It will be cool to do something new and I love Gwen to pieces, so working for her will be awesome. Wednesday (in addition to being the best day of the whole year) is the start of JH small groups, with a new crop of 7th graders for Kristine and I. Already just trying to get a hold of them all has been.... an experience. Should be an interesting semester.

I have not been feeling like myself lately. I am happy and I think my life is going in a really good direction, but I just feel a little off. Hopefully I can shake it off soon.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

As surely as the sun will rise, You'll come to us

6.7% raised for Spain!! (prayers are needed please!!)

Hosea 6:3- "Let us acknowledge the LORD; let us press on to acknowledge Him. As surely as the sun rises, He will appear; He will come to us like the winter rains, like the spring rains that water the earth"

I am starting to get a little bit nervous about Spain. There is a lot to do, and I really don't know where God is going to give me the time or the resources. Everything has to be done in a specific order... have to have the plane tickets and school acceptance before the student visa, have to apply for the Visa after Sept 4th, but before Nov 4th, need to figure out what classes I am taking there and what I need to do through MCC while I am gone. That is just the beginning of the list. If I think about it for too long, it makes me physically sick to my stomach.

I think this is God's way of reminding me that there is no way I could do this without Him. There is no way I could fundraise/save over $8000 without Him. At no other time in my life would I be ready to pick up and move to a foreign country for 6 months. In no other place would I be surrounded by such amazing, faithful people who are willing to pray for me and for a ministry half a world away, for people they will never meet. His timing and plans for me are perfectly laid out. He knows where my story is going and how I am going to get there. I just need to remember to allow Him the control, and to willingly go where He shows me. In ways that I am sure will shock and amaze me, He will bring solutions and answers.

One of my favorite songs right now is Hillsong United's"You'll Come" (from the I Heart Revolution CD). The lyrics just give me reassurance that God will show up when we need Him, as surely as the sun comes up everyday.

I have decided, I have resolved
To wait upon you Lord
My rock and redeemer shall not be moved
I'll wait upon you Lord

As surely as the sun will rise, You'll come to us
As certain as the dawn appears

You'll come let your glory fall, As you respond to us
Spirit reign, flood into our thirsty hearts again

We are not shaken we are not moved
We wait upon you Lord
Our Mighty deliverer, my triumph and truth
I'll wait upon you Lord

Chains be broken, Lives be healed
Eyes be opened, Christ is revealed

Thursday, August 7, 2008

but still my hope is found in You.

6% for Spain!

So I made a decision over the last few weeks to change my major... again. This now makes the 5th time (?). Even I have lost count. I have decided on Music Education. I really feel like this is the place I will be happiest. I have been really praying and soul searching about it. I feel like music is so important to have in children's lives and it promotes creativity and growth. Making this decision has finally put me at peace with my educational choices. This is the first time since I graduated in 2003 that I feel like I know where I want to go. The only problem now is that I am WAY behind on my courses for this. Looks like I will be in for another year of school. Graduate in 2010? 2011? who knows.

Monday, August 4, 2008

no one can find the rewind button

6% raised for Spain!

I think it is amazing how I have let busyness take over my life. I had my wisdom teeth out last Tuesday (which meant for a few days of couch sitting) and yesterday I became angry and frustrated because I didn't get more done. I was punishing myself for not being productive last week. Truthfully, I did get a few things done, but not nearly as much as I "should" have. It is sad how much our culture has pushed us into this belief that every moment should be put to use. Is it really that wrong to have 2 days of just enjoying rest?

Friday, August 1, 2008

I hear you in my dream

4% raised for Spain!

I love going back and listening to past messages from church when I am at home by myself. Right now I am in the middle of the Questions series from a few months back. I never heard 2 of those messages in the first place because we were in Spain, and so I was pretty excited about it. I was shocked and somewhat upset to discover today that my podcast was missing the message from 3F from March 30th (the last message in the series). So I had to go hunt down the Cal version from the website... just as good. Just to jog the memory of those who were there- that is the weekend that Jeremy (or in this case... Cal) read cards that had questions for God on them. Well what was already an emotional week became even more so when my card was read. Now I know there is no way that the Jernigan men could know that was my card, but that night I felt like Jeremy looked right at me when he read it. Like it he knew somehow.

"God why do all of my relationships fail? Even when I feel like they are from you, they never work. Would you really give me a desire to be married and never fulfill it?"

Now- that night hearing the pain and longing that came from my own heart was unbearable. But hearing it again 4 months later, the feeling is different. I still have the same question and I still feel the same, but it is different somehow. I think now I have more faith that God is going to take care of my relationships. I am more content now with the place that He has me. There is a reason I needed to be alone and someday someone is going to love me with everything He wants for me.

It is strange and amazing how much He has changed my heart in such a short period of time. My future is more uncertain than ever, but I feel more confident that it will be taken care of. I feel like I am able to dream again.