break my heart for what breaks yours

Its hard to know if following your heart is always the right thing. Our selfish, sinful hearts may often lead us in the wrong direction. Feelings and emotions can get in the way. I am constantly afraid of upsetting or disappointing others. How do I stop caring so much about what others think?

I realized that I am a hard person to get to know. I tend to shut down around new people or in strange situations. Maybe this has been the downfall of my relationships? I think this goes back to caring about what everyone else thinks. I fear being judged too quickly. I am comfortable with who I am, I know that God loves me, but I have a hard time accepting that other people can love me as I am. I am afraid of not being thin enough, beautiful enough, talented enough. I'm afraid that no one will be able to accept me, with all of my imperfections.

so I ask myself, who do I want to be?

I realized today as I was preparing to write in my trusty livejournal... I started it 4 years ago. The name of my livejournal is Lontano dal cuoro which means far from the heart in Italian. 4 years ago I was an entirely different person than I am today. I was completely removed from my own feelings and from the people who truly cared about me because I was afraid of being hurt. So instead I was the one who did all of the hurting. Far from the heart indeed. I now am surrounded by amazing friends and people who inspire me to be the person that God is shaping me to be. I now actively search after God every day. I trust Him to get me where I need to be, even if I don't always understand the path it takes to get there.

So it is time for a fresh start, with a new name. With one song. I truly believe in the power of music to heal the soul and to be used for good in the world. Music can be used in every stage of life and for every emotion. Like a modern day David, my songs can be used to cry out to God in times of hurt and need, and also in moments of joy and adoration. When words fail, music lives on. I have really been loving being involved with the 3F worship and focusing on my own musical growth since coming home from Spain. Its like coming home after being somewhere really different- like you are back where you belong. I feel like I relate to musicians on an entirely different level. No words are even necessary. Last night at practice I sat through an entire song just to listen. I am just amazed by the talent and passion of all of those guys. I thank God for their willingness to share their gift. They have motivated me to actually pick up my sadly neglected guitar again and plow through the work of teaching myself to play. I have a million little phrases and melodies floating around my head and scribbled onto the back of receipts in my wallet or in the margin of a notebook. Maybe with enough inspiration I can actually get them all together into something.

Psalm 108:1 - My heart is steadfast , O God; I will sing and make music with all my soul.