feeling the same way all over again

It took some time to figure out, but I have discovered why this week has been so hard- I came home from Spain one year ago. I think it is hard to accept that. I think the hardest part of it is how alone I feel. No one here really understands what I went through and the experiences I had (T- you come close though). Everyone lives in Georgia or is away at school and I feel abandoned. Of course we all said "We will stay in touch" but it has faded as time has pressed on. I know that they still care and that it is just life being busy and getting in the way, but that doesn't stop it from hurting.

And then I wonder if that is how God feels about us. Our lives "get in the way" of spending time with Him. We get so caught up that we forget to tell our Daddy how much we love Him. I think this is as humbling as it is challenging. How many times am I guilty of putting school or work or even sleep above that time. And I don't even feel that He asks that much from us. How much would a few minutes a day brighten His heart? We are His beloved children and as such, He longs to have that relationship with us.

The hardest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return

http://www.azhumane.org/

Miserable day.

Today I took my beloved dog to the AZ Humane Society to surrender him. It was one of the hardest, most painful things I have ever done and has left me feeling like the worst person on the planet. But this has also led me to look back on the great times I had with Scout. The first day I got him as a 2 week old puppy, all the walks and park time and just snuggling. All of the things that I wish I had appreciated more when I had them. And now he is gone. And my world just seems less because of it. Its just that kind of pain in my heart that deadens everything around me.

I hope that someone amazing will find Scout and can love him and all of his neurotic craziness. I know that the people at the Humane Society are amazing and loving and taking great care of him for now, but I want him to have a great home for the rest of his life. Someone who will give him a chance. And most of all, I really hope that all dogs DO go to heaven and that Scout and I can take a walk with Jesus someday.

Thank you Scout for teaching me what it means to love unconditionally. You have been my best friend for the past 5 years. I hope that you can now be someone else's best friend when they need you most. I love you and will miss you every day.

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If you are considering adding an animal to your family, please do not buy from a store. Visit http://www.azhumane.org/ to see their adoptable pets - these babies need a home! Or consider giving a donation to help offset the care of these guys while they are waiting for their new owners.

emotional debt

After doing Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University program this last fall, I am finally getting into getting myself out of debt. Money is always a struggle, but for me... lets just say its not my spiritual gift (DR would call me the "free spirit") Today is the first day in YEARS that I can look ahead to the rest of the year with excitement instead of dread at where I will find the money to pay the bills. I paid off two of my three credit cards today and it gave me the biggest rush! For once I feel like I CAN be in control of this. Next is going crazy intense on that last credit card, and then working on paying back my parents (lucky they don't charge interest!)

Thinking about this though, has led me to wonder how many times in my life have I put myself in emotional debt? Sometimes I know this is through selfishness and pushing away the people I need the most, and sometimes it is through an unhealthy level of taking care of everyone else and ignoring my own needs. It all goes back to that favorite word of mine - BALANCE. While I am renegotiating my checkbook, I am taking a look over my heart too. Looking at where my passions are, what I need to achieve my goals and the people who encourage me to be all of those things. I have come to one conclusion that amazes me every time:



I am amazingly blessed.




http://www.daveramsey.com/radio/home/

I'm tired of holdin' this inside my head

so slightly late, but Welcome 2010! As with the beginning of any year, I have been reminiscing about the past year and how far I have come, and also looking ahead to what this year will bring. 2009 was crazy and amazing and heartbreaking and so many other things. Jan 1st was very emotional for me as I realized that one year ago, I was on my way to Spain, meeting people who would change my life forever and who are some of my dearest friends. It's still hard to not be there. '09 was a time of discovering who I am and who God has made me to be (a lifelong thing I an thinking...) Looking back, I know that I need to hold on to those memories and the lessons I learned.

2010 is going to be busy! There is going to be a lot of celebrating in marriage and babies and so many things. It is exciting, but at the same time, it is hard sometimes to feel like you don't belong with this group. I have been feeling a little lost lately. Like there is not a place for me right now.

I'm trying to figure out where 2010 will take me and what God has to teach me this year. So far I am thinking its my two not favorite things: trust and patience. At the moment I feel like I am stuck in a rut, but I go between pushing so hard that my wheels are just spinning in place, or being so exhausted that I don't want to do anything. Right now, life is about finding that balance of where I need to be.

You'll make me work so we can work to work it out

So I surprisingly am not dead. Just been busy with school, work and church. I have had a lot of experiences the past few months that have changed the way I see people and made me realize who I need, and who were just the time bombs in my life. I miss Spain more than words can express and half of my heart is still there with everyone. Lately I have run into an issue of prioritizing my life. I think this is partially to fill the void that Spain has left in my life and the lonliness I feel sometimes, so I make myself so busy that I can't think about it. I am not home many nights because of how many commitments I have and it is starting to affect my health. I have been praying for balance, but perhaps I need to change to praying for clarity on what needs to go. I don't want to give up anything, but it may be my only choice for sanity.

I am working to become more introspective and rely more on just me and God to think out my problems. I have had things thrown back in my face too many times and I am tired of having my mistakes brought up over and over. I am only 24 years old. I am still in college. I am ALLOWED to make mistakes and to grow. I don't have to comepletly be an adult yet. I have an amazing, incredible supportive set of parents and an equally awesome sister. I don't tell them enough what they mean to me (another thing to work on) but I know that they are always there for me. I know that I am a sensitive person, but I don't think that necessarily means that I am childish. Which usually means I do about 70% of my thinking with my heart, and the other 30% with my head... but so far that hasn't led me to too many decisions that I have regretted. I just run into issues when I can't explain why I made that choice or when other people in my life can't see the logic (or lack therof I suppose) in my decision.

I truly believe that people live up to the expectations you set for them. In many cases I think this is an issue with vision. You assume someone will act a certain way, so that is the lens you forever view them through, whether that is true or not. They "fail" in your eyes, because that is what you think they will do. Your tainted view becomes your truth. I am just as guilty of this as everyone else. Maybe we all just need to up our expectations for those around us and somehow change to hope for the best.

heartbroken

Going through a rough time right now and can't write bc I can't even process this all for myself. I know that God is using this to make room for something in my life, but everything just hurts so much right now. I have to just keep trusting that this is all for a reason. He has a plan.
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I am writing because I have to get rid of my dog, Scout. I need to find him a good home so I do not have to put him down. I am hoping that someone will be able to take him, or that you may know someone who can.

Scout is almost 5 years old, neutered male German Shepherd mix. He is microchipped and up to date on shots (or will be as of Tuesday). He went through training with me at Petsmart & I have had him since he was 2 weeks old, so he has no history of abuse or neglect. He is kennel trained, but does need to have an owner with a yard and someone who has history with dogs. Not good for a first-time pet owner as he requires more attention and dominance and Scout has never been around children, so I am not sure how he would react to them. He is has lived with another dog and with cats. (no harm has come to the cats, but he does like to chase them occasionally)

I have to get rid of him because he did have an incedent while a friend was petsitting this past weekend and she was hurt. Our homeowners insurance will not cover our house if we keep him because we had to file a claim with them in order to help pay her medical bills. I am trying to do what is best for my friend and also for Scout. I have spoken to his trainer and to my vet and we think it was an issue with food aggressiveness. This can be fixed with some attention and training. He just needs someone to give him the chance. Scout is currently in observation at the vet and at the end of observation will be up to date on his shots and cleared to go home on Tuesday evening. I am working to take care of the vet bills, whoever can take him would just need to pay the registration fees to the county and have Scout switched into their names. He is free to a good home and I will give you his kennel and all of his things. If there was any way that I could keep him, I would- I just need to know that he is going to be given a chance at the rest of his life and have someone to love him.

Please let me know if you are interested, or give my info to anyone you know that might be.

you can cross the line whenever you want to

So the last month had been interesting. Being home is really hard, much harder than originally anticipated. I miss Spain a lot, and while this gets better every day I am also worried that there will come a day where I don't miss it. I don't ever want to completely stop missing it. Part of my heart is still there and that will always be like a home to me.

I did something very dangerous tonight. We watched a video at church from a speaker from last year's Leadership Summit. One thing that she said really stuck out to me - she told everyone to just tell God to "Bring It On" and then be ready for whatever he gives you. So I told God- "Ok God, you know where my heart is, lets go. I am in this all the way." I have been thinking a lot about going back to Spain, leading a small group, taking on bigger roles in the ministries I serve in, adding new ministries.... you get the idea. I am just never sure when to say no. I have a hard time discerning the difference between the wants of the people around me (or my own) and what God has in mind. Less than an hour after this prayer, I was presented with an opportunity. Now I am still not sure if this is right or not, but I am going to prayerfully consider it and figure out where my life is going. I am scared, but so excited!